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<---That Thing. You Hate it Too.

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Don’t think

That I don’t know you

That I don’t

Understand you

Even though you never

Once

Opened up to me.

And I do

Love you

I probably will

For several years still

Because it’s not

Something I can just turn off.

Even if

Who I loved

Wasn’t who you were

At the time.

Even so

I don’t like you

And I sure as hell

Don’t trust you.

It’s odd

But I get a little comfort

Knowing

With reasonable

Surety

That you don’t like yourself either.

You may not admit it to yourself

Not yet

But I think

They day you realize it

Will be the day

That you wake up

In that hole

That you’re putting yourself in

With no way out.

You surround yourself

With all of these things

Alcohol

Cigarettes

Darkness

Heavy metal

Piercings

Tattoos

Sex

Driving off cliffs

To weigh yourself down

Because you feel like

Nothing else will.

But that’s your mistake

It’s not things in life that hold us

To the ground and give us something to

Grasp

It’s the people

We surround ourselves

With

It’s the love

They give.

But we have to be willing to take it.

Not only that,

We have to respect it

Return it

In kind.

Only if it’s real.

I think

Maybe

That’s why

You’re afraid of me.

That Thing. You Hate it Too.

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<---Hold On...

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I want to talk about

The wall

You all know

What I’m talking about

That little shit head

That doesn’t let your feel

The things your head knows

You want

And should feel.

It’s not emotion.

God, no.

The emotion is there.

The emotion is what’s driving you

To know what you should be feeling

Physically.

But the wall

OH THE WALL

It makes everything

Slightly numb

You’re feeling it

Through bubble wrap

Pressing as hard as you can

Through the clay

The plaster

The stone

The steel

But never quite

Grasping it

Like you used to.

The sensation

Is tapping.

There.

But you just can’t get the full effect.

It’s where I find myself

Holding my breath again

And I can’t seem to

Let the air out

To feel it.

I know I put it there

And anytime

He comes

And goes.

That they speak

And stay silent.

Take no value

In the love

I am shoving at them

Another layer

Goes up

More of a fortress

Around the castle.

And a moat.

I’m worried about

When the alligators show up.

I feel like it could come soon

And really

I say I’m worried

But I’m scared

I don’t want to do that

To myself

Or anyone else.

Can I apologize before hand?

I’m not handling all of this well.

I could blame them.

But I shouldn’t.

Not just because it’s right.

There’s just too much room

To –not blame myself,

But take note

In my own laziness

To do what I should

To be

And feel right.

It is

In ways

My own fault

And I know that.

I know my faults.

I accept them.

But changing them?

Not easy.

Course not.

It’s hard to have time.

Woohoo, number one

Excuse

But in ways it’s true.

Okay

Okay.

It’s not that I’ve done nothing

I’ve changed a lot.

I guess my point is

That I feel like it’s because of this wall

I don’t take anymore

Risks

I guess is the word.

I’m doing everything I can

Not to get hurt

Anymore.

But if the consequence is

Not feeling

At all…

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<---Interlude

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There’s something I forgot

How it felt

The first time

I let him in.

Now

Don’t be disgusting

I’m not being literal.

I previously spoke of

His many instances of hugging me right?

Well

It was just that

He’d basically attack me

It’d start from about ten yards away

He’d run

And grab me

He was basically a bear

So there was no way

I could even try to escape

And I didn’t.

You know how people have

The fight or flight response?

I have the freeze.

Or ostrich.

I don’t move

And turn off all of my senses

This is what I did

With him

Every time he did that

Until one day

I told myself to just breathe

Because I was holding my breath

And when I did.

It was a warmth

That seeped straight through my skin

Giving my heart that tickle

That was enough

To recognize that there was

Something there

But not enough of a wake up call

Like the later kiss was.

Anyways

That was the deciding moment

Breathing like that.

Feeling what he was trying to give me

And taking it.

It was that moment

That I got my first taste

Entering

Into what would become

My addiction.

I know that sounds

Ridiculous

But there’s no other word for it.

For a sheltered

Teenage

Ignorant

Uninterested

Uninteresting

Little girl

He was as close to drugs

As I ever got.

And you know

It was probably worse too. 

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That Thing. You Hate it Too.---> 

Interlude

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<---Easy

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Every time

Lately anyway

I get a good idea going

lots of good descriptions

but my hands aren’t doing anything

then something

interrupts that thought process

and the depression settles in

like luke warm water rushing

over your entire body

and now

I’m heavy

I can’t hold my head up

I can’t smile

I know what it is

When it is happening

But I can’t do anything about it

Except try to ignore it

So I can sleep

Going to sleep is a problem

And once that’s done

I can’t wake up.

It’s my most recent pattern

It’s actually really annoying

And if I don’t have some sort of task

At the very start of my day

Then I can’t

Seem to control

Myself

Or what I’m thinking.

I don’t know what day it is.

It’s…Tues—no it’s Wednesday.

The…fourth.

That was annoyingly difficult.

I feel my forehead scrunching into my eyes

And it make them hurt

Along with my head.

So now

I’m writing this

Complaining really

Instead of doing what I wanted

And it’s something

I guess.

A few minutes ago

I was sitting on my closet floor.

I cleaned it the other day

So now there’s more room

And it’s not towering walls of stuff

Exploding over my feet

I can sit

And feel safe

Yet

I still feel so off

It’s like the levels

Of my being in there

I can cover myself

In my clothes

In my shoes

Jackets

And blankets

But it doesn’t make anything better

It only distracts

For a little while

But it always comes back

Feeling inadequate.

So many reasons

To not feel good enough

Though I know

That those reasons

Were not deserved

I didn’t do anything wrong

I did everything I could

I loved with all I had

But I guess

It’s not enough.

God my head hurts now

Like it’s getting squeezed

At the back of my neck.

The pressure is trying to release from my ears

But something is clogging it.

I just want it to stop

Really

I do.

I want to stop thinking of him

I’m done

I need to feel sure

That I am good enough

For someone else

That there’s a chance.

A glimmer that

Someone else

Could want me

Even a little

In the way that I need.

I want them to let me

Love them

Because I can

Maybe it’s too much

But I want to give it

All

So much.

I’m going to try and go to sleep

After one more

Pointless skim

Of the social networks.

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Hold On...--->

Easy

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  <---Pause

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Okay

Okay

Where was i?

Oh

Yeah

You got the low-down

On

Me.

I know

I know

Super negative

But I think

You’ll understand

Soon.

So

I loved him back

But

At the time

My use of the

Word

Love—

Well

It wasn’t that I

didn’t mean it

it was just

such a small

level of love

almost a pathetic

excuse

to begin

what it

lead to.

Still

They all have

to start

somewhere

even somewhere

small.

This confession

More or less

Took place in

September

And the relationship

Stayed basically

The same

Until

November

I did something

Unintentionally

That really

Well—

I was going to say

Changed everything

Which

Thinking about it

It didn’t/

It gave us that

Push

A little shove

Taking us to the

Next level.

I know that sounds

Dumb

And clichéd

But I can’t

Think of another way

To say it.

I probably will later

When it’s too late

But it doesn’t matter

As long as

You know what I mean.

Sorry

I’m sure you’re still

wondering what I did.

Don’t worry

It’s not Degrassiesque

By any means

And I mean any.

God, it’s hard

To think about this

Right now

Pardon my hesitation.

It’s just a place

I don’t want to go

For danger of me

Getting stuck there.

It wasn’t scary at the time

It was easy

Too easy

Especially since I hadn’t

Meant to go there.

But I did.

Do I regret it?

No.

And yes.

But only because of the end

Just because

It became that much harder

To think about it

Afterwards.

The delicate

Perfect

Sweetness

Of the memory

Has become tainted

As of late

But I can still

Get lost.

So I need to be careful.

Ug.

I’m dragging this out

And avoiding

The inevitable.

I said I would talk

So

I have to.

Alright.

I was scolding myself

For a moment.

I’m back now.

November 6^th.

I had a doctor’s appointment

An hour and a half away.

I wasn’t sick.

I have type 1 diabetes

So I have appointments with a specialist

Every once in a while.

Point being.

I was at school for a short while

But had to leave for the rest of the day.

And wouldn’t be home

Until late.

I didn’t expect to see him beyond

First thing in the morning.

So as the bell rang

To go to class

I decided

With such a surety

And no fear

That I recall

That I was going to

Kiss his cheek.

I don’t know

Why I wanted to

There wasn’t any rational

Thought

The only forethought

Occurring seconds before.

He was talking to someone

Behind him

So he mostly had his back

To me

I got up on my toes—

Oh

Did I mention

That I was only

Five five

And he

Was six two?

Yeah.

I had to stretch.

I’d closed my eyes too

Because that’s only natural

And it’s what you do

Right?

But he must have

Seen me get close

Or something

Because he

Moved

And I

Kissed his mouth instead.

It was so fast

You can bet I was out of there

As fast as I could go

Without running

I don’t think I even said

Goodbye

But in that

Second and a half

I felt him kiss me back

And a small

Pit

In my chest

Moved

A spark had been put

Under it

It was awake

And it wanted more

That small

Bit of time

Terrified

And thrilled me

Then made it hard to breathe.

I ran away

Not because

I was ashamed

I just wasn’t sure what

To do

Since I hadn’t meant

To do what I did.

What do you say to someone

After that?

“Kay thanks. See ya later.”?

Uh.

No.

But I got over that

And like I’d said

Wanted to do it again.

I planned to find him again

Just before I left.

I don’t remember if I did.

Pause

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 <---Strawberry Swing

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Pause.

I think we need to paint

A little picture

Of who I was then

Which wasn’t much of anyone

Really

Trust me.

I know some good friend

Will defend me and tell me how

Wonderful

Colorful I was

Maybe I was

Sometimes

But really

I was silent

A follower

And I had no problems with that

I was hiding from the world anyway

Behind my

Black sweater

Long

Thick

And Pervasive

Hair.

Jeans

And sneakers

That’s how I looked

Every day

No one probably knew the color of my eyes

Light

Pure

Blue

Because I never

And I mean

Never

Looked at anyone.

I saw you

I knew who you were

But eye contact?

You couldn’t have paid me.

I never spoke up in class either

So I can easily say

That people knew

Who I was

But probably couldn’t tell you

My name

Or anything about me

 Because they didn’t know.

Nor did they care to

I could have cared less myself

Though

I never thought of it that way

They just weren’t important

Compared to my friends

And to him

They were the only ones that needed

To know a thing

So my makeup

Hair

And clothes

Didn’t matter.

Probably the

Best part

was

My naivety.

It was really

Bad.

 If it wasn’t otherwise

Obvious

I believed every word

Every single one

That you said.

I should have known

I didn’t

know any better.

I should have

I couldn’t have.

I wouldn’t have

Wanted to

Either.

I should have

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Easy--->