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Okay
Okay
Where was i?
Oh
Yeah
You got the low-down
On
Me.
I know
I know
Super negative
But I think
You’ll understand
Soon.
So
I loved him back
But
At the time
My use of the
Word
Love—
Well
It wasn’t that I
didn’t mean it
it was just
such a small
level of love
almost a pathetic
excuse
to begin
what it
lead to.
Still
They all have
to start
somewhere
even somewhere
small.
This confession
More or less
Took place in
September
And the relationship
Stayed basically
The same
Until
November
I did something
Unintentionally
That really
Well—
I was going to say
Changed everything
Which
Thinking about it
It didn’t/
It gave us that
Push
A little shove
Taking us to the
Next level.
I know that sounds
Dumb
And clichéd
But I can’t
Think of another way
To say it.
I probably will later
When it’s too late
But it doesn’t matter
As long as
You know what I mean.
Sorry
I’m sure you’re still
wondering what I did.
Don’t worry
It’s not Degrassiesque
By any means
And I mean any.
God, it’s hard
To think about this
Right now
Pardon my hesitation.
It’s just a place
I don’t want to go
For danger of me
Getting stuck there.
It wasn’t scary at the time
It was easy
Too easy
Especially since I hadn’t
Meant to go there.
But I did.
Do I regret it?
No.
And yes.
But only because of the end
Just because
It became that much harder
To think about it
Afterwards.
The delicate
Perfect
Sweetness
Of the memory
Has become tainted
As of late
But I can still
Get lost.
So I need to be careful.
Ug.
I’m dragging this out
And avoiding
The inevitable.
I said I would talk
So
I have to.
Alright.
I was scolding myself
For a moment.
I’m back now.
November 6th.
I had a doctor’s appointment
An hour and a half away.
I wasn’t sick.
I have type 1 diabetes
So I have appointments with a specialist
Every once in a while.
Point being.
I was at school for a short while
But had to leave for the rest of the day.
And wouldn’t be home
Until late.
I didn’t expect to see him beyond
First thing in the morning.
So as the bell rang
To go to class
I decided
With such a surety
And no fear
That I recall
That I was going to
Kiss his cheek.
I don’t know
Why I wanted to
There wasn’t any rational
Thought
The only forethought
Occurring seconds before.
He was talking to someone
Behind him
So he mostly had his back
To me
I got up on my toes—
Oh
Did I mention
That I was only
Five five
And he
Was six two?
Yeah.
I had to stretch.
I’d closed my eyes too
Because that’s only natural
And it’s what you do
Right?
But he must have
Seen me get close
Or something
Because he
Moved
And I
Kissed his mouth instead.
It was so fast
You can bet I was out of there
As fast as I could go
Without running
I don’t think I even said
Goodbye
But in that
Second and a half
I felt him kiss me back
And a small
Pit
In my chest
Moved
A spark had been put
Under it
It was awake
And it wanted more
That small
Bit of time
Terrified
And thrilled me
Then made it hard to breathe.
I ran away
Not because
I was ashamed
I just wasn’t sure what
To do
Since I hadn’t meant
To do what I did.
What do you say to someone
After that?
“Kay thanks. See ya later.”?
Uh.
No.
But I got over that
And like I’d said
Wanted to do it again.
I planned to find him again
Just before I left.
I don’t remember if I did.
