Derranged Monologue

He’s kind of a jack ass, but you got that whole soul mates thing going on, you know? The loveyousooomuchcan’tlivewithoutyouwillDIEifIneverseeyouagainyourvoiceislikeheaven’sangelsknowwhenyou’retwentyyardsaway kind of thing. *GAG* Like a major dose of serotonin straight to the brain…that you become totally addicted to…. *sigh* But still, all you want or need is to shoot up on a whole bunch of handsbrushinglipstouchingeyessmolderinglaughterheart-warmingelectrifyingstomachticklingsmellintoxicatingTHEM. ME + YOU=FOREVER *rolls eyes*Then there’s that whole he’s two thousand miles away and engaged to another girl issue….*taps foot* Don’t worry, he still lovesyoumorethananything…

To my Soul Mate…and his Fiancé

To my Soul Mate…and his Fiancé.

I love you

I love him

I can’t change that

He can’t change that

Neither can you

He loves me too

He loves you

And there’s nothing I can do

Two thousand miles away

You’re so far away

I need you

I can only need you

Like you need me

I can only need him

Like he needs me

And more

He needs me too

I wish I could make this easier

For all of us

I wish I could disappear

Give him up to you

But my heart won’t let me

My sanity

I’m much too selfish anyway

I want to say I don’t love you like I used to

More for your sake than mine

But it would hurt you just as much as it would help you

Help her

And it would be a lie

A terrible

Dark

Filthy

Lie

You know this

He knows, but you don’t

I want you to understand

Even though it’s strange

Even though, I, in your shoes

Would fill me with such a terror

That I would destroy you

If I could

And I have been there

I don’t wish it on you

And love, I don’t blame you.

I don’t blame you either

For acting the way you were

It’s how we are 

but I can't lie

Luck, Fate, and the whole gang.

I feel the need to have a sort of rant. I won't be general or implying or shy. I may very well be unkind. Needless to say, it's obvious that I intend to be quite frank and very thorough.

So to those of you that I may talk about or to, I hope you can understand why I have  to speak.

For starters, I met my soul mate when I was fifteen.

Some of you may scoff, may criticize how this could have any standing, mean anything real especially since I was so young. Well, I didn't know it then, nor was I the one that said these cursed words.

When I met him, the strength of what I was feeling was so new and foreign that I could hardly handle it. Logic went out the door. No worries, there wasn't anything beyond the infatuation of innocent beginnings. Still, I was changed, probably forever. Rules quickly tore us apart, which was probably the most painful thing. He was just out of reach for years, but when we found ourselves suddenly on separate paths, his carrying him even farther away, there really wasn't anything we could do.

Over the years, I struggled, trying to find him, trying to forget, but my dreams knew my heart better than I ever would allow myself. No matter how hard I tried, he'd never disappear.

We talked on occasion, which every time was wonderful, but he always faded into the void again.

Still, this last time was the best and probably the worst.

Devin, when you texted me that morning, I knew it was you. My phone went off and my heart started pounding, my body shook, and I could hardly breathe. Still, logic argued that I couldn't know that, so I said I didn't know. I just didn't want to be wrong and look like an idiot.

I did the best I could to keep it solely friendly for a number of reasons. First of all, I had gotten over you the best I could at that point. I was okay. I was getting by and not seeing you from the corner of my eye in the tiniest features of strangers. I still had my bad days where missing you was all I could do, but they weren't as bad as they used to be. Second. I knew she existed. I knew you were choosing her. I knew that it would never be me again. So, for your sake, I pretended. But then you, YOU made it serious. You brought heart into the conversation. And as happy as I was to finally hear from you that it hadn't just been me, that everything that had felt and was still feeling you were feeling too, at the same time I was damning you. Even though I was finally at such a peace that I could think clearly, I hated you for telling me all of that because I knew that from then on, I'd never be able to let you go. Ever. What we are is undeniable, unchangeable. It doesn't make any sense, the two of us being tied together like we are, because honestly love, we'd fight. And I say this with a smile. As much as I love you, and god knows I do, you know very well the habits of yours that worry me. It would be hard, but despite all of the various struggles we'd surely find ourselves in, I'd like to say that it'd be worth it because a relationship that was void of passion and peace, even though it'd "work" wouldn't be good enough. I don't think anyone could ever be good enough. I can't possibly imagine how someone else could feel this right, be worth fighting, waiting for. Worth enduring this pain and loneliness that I am condemned with. Honestly, I find myself thinking that for us the logical choices in partners would just be begging for affairs in the future. Sure, that's a stretch, but I know how am when I'm around you.

I do hope you understand why I had to walk away this time. I couldn't handle you leaving me again. Especially when I was finally sure. You were walking out the door and I had to slam it before you could close it, but I didn't lock it. I'm still waiting on the other side.

Do I consider myself lucky that I found you so soon? Or cursed that you're out of reach, a figment of memory? A little of both. 

I know she's a better match for you. Again, back to that "working" thing. Still, I don't want you to make up your mind before we've had our chance. You said you wouldn't, but you very well might. I just beg that you tell me yourself. Our paths have gone in opposite directions, but I hope that Fate finds it suitable for them to at least cross every once in a while and maybe even merge again.

I can't keep waiting for you to decide you can risk talking to me again. It's not fair. I really thought this last time that it would last. That we could just be. I had no intentions of interfering. I hope you know me enough to realize that. I don't cause trouble and I don't want to "fight over you," but I can't not defend myself when someone is jumping down my throat. I won't just take it any more.

I'm standing up for myself.

I've spent many years letting myself get stepped on. I was a follower, timid. I never questioned any one else for a long time, because I knew there was a lot I didn't know about the world. I still have plenty to learn, but I know enough now to get by on my own. I'm learning, faster than many would think. It really started with entering college. I was in some ways forced to sit up and pay attention to everything around me. I had to start making calls by myself, meet new people (which terrifies me, especially if they're of authority). And as soon as I started to have other opinions, take charge of things, my best friend changed. 

I have no way of knowing what caused it, but the sudden remarks of cruelty really threw me. She had never behaved this way before.

Tristan, I know you more than likely never saw it and I don't know how to make you see what you did to me for over a year. I could give several examples of how you tore me down, but I really don't think I need to. All I really need to say is that as a result, I did not feel good about myself for a long time. I felt worthless, stupid, and a nuisance. It didn't matter what I said, you always corrected me, even when I was right in the first place. My opinions, my feelings, what came from my heart was stupid, wrong, an insult to you when they had nothing to do with you and everything to do with me. So slowly, so slowly you probably never even noticed, I stopped talking, stopped wanting to be around you. Came over less and less. I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't just stand there and turn to ashes at your feet. You do not own me. It is not a "we," it is you and I. What is mine is not yours. It is mine. Just because we are close doesn't omit courtesy. I am no puppet. I will not fall to your every whim. Most would think that best friends would have the greatest amount of respect for each other, but I don't know where your respect for me went that I couldn't ever be right, could never deserve a thank you or an apology. And you may think that I'm oblivious, but I know that you are unhappy with where we are right now. And your indirect pleads will not make me come running. I mourned our friendship long ago. Most days I would go home and wonder how I could face you the next day, and often cried myself to sleep. And despite what you may think, it has nothing to do with Sam. I was already struggling, trying to find a way to walk away from you and I couldn't due to our history. She gave me something to find, the tiniest nudge in the right direction so I could build myself up again into the person I wanted to be. It wasn't that I was choosing her over you. I'm not hanging out with her instead of you. I'm spending time with her instead of being alone because I cannot let myself be around you anymore. It's been beyond painful. I waited. I tried to see if it would blow over, if you were just unintentionally taking your stress out on me, but it never stopped, it just got worse. I had to step back. And you may recall, I tried to talk to you about it last summer, but as always, you blew up in my face, throwing all of the blame in my direction, then ending the conversation. I cannot say anything once you've done that. You shut me out and kicked me to the dirt. You don't know any of what's been going on with the previous subject because any time I tried to talk to you about it you shut down, so I stopped trying. You hardly know me at all any more. What kind of best friend doesn't have confidence in the other person? Can't believe that they can be better, that what is in their heart is the truth?

So that's where we are. I don't know what else to do. And I know in your eyes, I've wronged you. Fine. Feel that way because I'm beyond caring anymore. I lost my best friend a long time ago. 

Both of you: Is this what I want? No. Can I change it? It doesn't seem that way. Neither of you are giving me much choice anymore. So in making things better that involve the two of you? My hands are tied and the ball is in your field.

Sam. Dearest Sam. Thank you. I can't thank you enough for how you've held out a hand, showing me that I can stand on my own feet and be someone. God knows how much I needed you. I know you could see it and I hope that we stay strong. I also hope that someday (though I wouldn't want to NEED to) I can be there for you like you have for me. Because of you I have confidence again. I can use the strength that I've always had, but didn't know what to do with it. I'm burning bridges and building new ones. 

Ladies and gents. I am slightly sporadic, a bit of a drama queen, sometimes selfish, and only rarely maniacal. (That's prolly a lie. ;P) I-am-ME. This hopeless romantic is going to take charge and walk on her own feet on the path of her choice if she doesn't make a new one all together. So get ready for a whole new ride. Don't like it? Too bad. Deal with it. :)