Hold on...

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There’s something I forgot

How it felt

The first time

I let him in.

Now

Don’t be disgusting

I’m not being literal.

I previously spoke of

His many instances of hugging me right?

Well

It was just that

He’d basically attack me

It’d start from about ten yards away

He’d run

And grab me

He was basically a bear

So there was no way

I could even try to escape

And I didn’t.

You know how people have

The fight or flight response?

I have the freeze.

Or ostrich.

I don’t move

And turn off all of my senses

This is what I did

With him

Every time he did that

Until one day

I told myself to just breathe

Because I was holding my breath

And when I did.

It was a warmth

That seeped straight through my skin

Giving my heart that tickle

That was enough

To recognize that there was

Something there

But not enough of a wake up call

Like the later kiss was.

Anyways

That was the deciding moment

Breathing like that.

Feeling what he was trying to give me

And taking it.

It was that moment

That I got my first taste

Entering

Into what would become

My addiction.

I know that sounds

Ridiculous

But there’s no other word for it.

For a sheltered

Teenage

Ignorant

Uninterested

Uninteresting

Little girl

He was as close to drugs

As I ever got.

And you know

It was probably worse too. 

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That Thing. You Hate it Too.---> 

Interlude

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<---Easy

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Every time

Lately anyway

I get a good idea going

lots of good descriptions

but my hands aren’t doing anything

then something

interrupts that thought process

and the depression settles in

like luke warm water rushing

over your entire body

and now

I’m heavy

I can’t hold my head up

I can’t smile

I know what it is

When it is happening

But I can’t do anything about it

Except try to ignore it

So I can sleep

Going to sleep is a problem

And once that’s done

I can’t wake up.

It’s my most recent pattern

It’s actually really annoying

And if I don’t have some sort of task

At the very start of my day

Then I can’t

Seem to control

Myself

Or what I’m thinking.

I don’t know what day it is.

It’s…Tues—no it’s Wednesday.

The…fourth.

That was annoyingly difficult.

I feel my forehead scrunching into my eyes

And it make them hurt

Along with my head.

So now

I’m writing this

Complaining really

Instead of doing what I wanted

And it’s something

I guess.

A few minutes ago

I was sitting on my closet floor.

I cleaned it the other day

So now there’s more room

And it’s not towering walls of stuff

Exploding over my feet

I can sit

And feel safe

Yet

I still feel so off

It’s like the levels

Of my being in there

I can cover myself

In my clothes

In my shoes

Jackets

And blankets

But it doesn’t make anything better

It only distracts

For a little while

But it always comes back

Feeling inadequate.

So many reasons

To not feel good enough

Though I know

That those reasons

Were not deserved

I didn’t do anything wrong

I did everything I could

I loved with all I had

But I guess

It’s not enough.

God my head hurts now

Like it’s getting squeezed

At the back of my neck.

The pressure is trying to release from my ears

But something is clogging it.

I just want it to stop

Really

I do.

I want to stop thinking of him

I’m done

I need to feel sure

That I am good enough

For someone else

That there’s a chance.

A glimmer that

Someone else

Could want me

Even a little

In the way that I need.

I want them to let me

Love them

Because I can

Maybe it’s too much

But I want to give it

All

So much.

I’m going to try and go to sleep

After one more

Pointless skim

Of the social networks.

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Hold On...--->