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I want to talk about
The wall
You all know
What I’m talking about
That little shit head
That doesn’t let your feel
The things your head knows
You want
And should feel.
It’s not emotion.
God, no.
The emotion is there.
The emotion is what’s driving you
To know what you should be feeling
Physically.
But the wall
OH THE WALL
It makes everything
Slightly numb
You’re feeling it
Through bubble wrap
Pressing as hard as you can
Through the clay
The plaster
The stone
The steel
But never quite
Grasping it
Like you used to.
The sensation
Is tapping.
There.
But you just can’t get the full effect.
It’s where I find myself
Holding my breath again
And I can’t seem to
Let the air out
To feel it.
I know I put it there
And anytime
He comes
And goes.
That they speak
And stay silent.
Take no value
In the love
I am shoving at them
Another layer
Goes up
More of a fortress
Around the castle.
And a moat.
I’m worried about
When the alligators show up.
I feel like it could come soon
And really
I say I’m worried
But I’m scared
I don’t want to do that
To myself
Or anyone else.
Can I apologize before hand?
I’m not handling all of this well.
I could blame them.
But I shouldn’t.
Not just because it’s right.
There’s just too much room
To –not blame myself,
But take note
In my own laziness
To do what I should
To be
And feel right.
It is
In ways
My own fault
And I know that.
I know my faults.
I accept them.
But changing them?
Not easy.
Course not.
It’s hard to have time.
Woohoo, number one
Excuse
But in ways it’s true.
Okay
Okay.
It’s not that I’ve done nothing
I’ve changed a lot.
I guess my point is
That I feel like it’s because of this wall
I don’t take anymore
Risks
I guess is the word.
I’m doing everything I can
Not to get hurt
Anymore.
But if the consequence is
Not feeling
At all…
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