So...
He's terrified of me.
And I can't help but find that absolutely hilarious and empowering.
The thing with this type of fear is that it's clear evidence of his guilt. He did something wrong and he knows it. As do I. My pain is proof in itself of what he'd done, but he hasn't seen it. Never will. And my pain will fade. It's going to take a long time and many slow steps forward, but it will cease. He can't get rid of his guilt. There is absolutely nothing he can do. It wasn't accidental or unintentional. He made a choice knowing the consequences of his actions. Maybe someday he'll gain the courage to attempt to apologize. I'd accept it, because that's the kind of person I am, but nothing will change. I doubt this will happen anyway. He's always been a self-serving coward and that's something not easily changed in a person. It would take something really drastic. That said, he's clearly taking himself down a path of self-destruction and if there is a day that he wakes up, it's highly likely he'll find himself somewhere he can't escape from.
And I pity him.
Regardless. Seeing his guilt so nakedly on his face kind of made my week. The more I think about it the more I laugh. He just handed over any power he had over me and if I ever face him again, even though I'm sure I will be terrified it will be relatively easy for me to stand tall. And I may not be able to resist sarcasm.
So I laugh at his fear. Maniacally. Much like Ursala when she finally gets her hands on the trident. ~~(o.o)~~(that's an octopus) ...>.>
ANYWAYS.
Okay. Fear.
I have my own fears. Some of the worst (though I swear any of these things has NEVER happened to me) are my fears of being bound, tied-up, or restrained in some way so that I can't move my limbs. I can almost guarantee that if this happened for longer than thirty seconds I'd have a panic attack. That and I really dislike big ships on the ocean that sink. THEY ALL DO. Still, one thing I cannot handle is ghosts. I don't care if you think they're real or not. Don't talk to me about it. I don't like them. I believe that they're a high possibility especially for those that have had tragic deaths, especially suicides of dark people. These violent delights have violent ends...
So yesterday a dear friend was showing me an old game that is all about ghosts and it scared the shit out of me and I had to stop playing. All I did was turn on the TV. The damn ghost didn't have to come and shove me, OKAY! We had to give me NyQuil to knock me out paired with the need to soften some real pain so that I could sleep. There you go karma, happy? I got my healthy dose of fear--the end.
Other than my villainous moments, I'm being a good girl. No, unfortunately I haven't been writing, but I've been trying to find a job and have been working hard at that as well as putting my best foot forward to exercise like I haven't done in three years. (Go me!)
So life is moving even the pieces of my heart and sanity that I've had to shove away are being rustled slowly but surely. It's just a little at a time. :)
Best of luck to you all and safety as summer becomes more ominous! The temperatures are rising! ;)
