<----Part 1
Yes, there is a Part 2. So soon? Yeah I'm just as surprised. Frankly, I still don't believe it. I have a stalker of sorts. Call it Fate, Luck, Irony, a guardian angel... I don't know what it is, but it is definitely dropping things in my path lately so quickly and suddenly I'm almost stumbling over them. I'm happier than I have been in YEARS and yet I'm more busy and exhausted than I ever have been. Hence the lack in posts.
I had technical difficulties previously, but now I'm just too busy. I haven't even had the time or energy to think about anything, let alone try and write.
Regardless, I have accomplished some things.
In relation to the last post sharing this title, I've moved forward in post situations to such an extent that it's remarkable.
I finally gained the courage and I talked to Tristan's mom. She knows this. I told her my whole side of the story, how I felt and what I needed to do and she respected that. I am truly grateful for how kind and understanding she was and I haven't heard from or seen Tristan since.
As a result I have more confidence than ever and I'm strong. I don't doubt myself and my relationship with Sam just continues to grow! She knows me better than I know myself already with such an insight and understanding of herself and everyone else around her that most people lack. She is exactly what I need, I love her and wouldn't trade her for anything in the world.
What of my other issue?
:)
Okay, I'll be nice and not leave it at that.
If your not a romantic and are prone to gagging I suggest you leave and report back later with something more of your taste. Fair warning.
I have been told before when telling this story (not even up to this point) that it sounds like a movie, or more specifically a Nicholas Sparks book. This has always made me laugh, because really? Really?! Do I tell it that dramatically?? The more I think about it, the more I realize that it is like that. It is so unexpected and rare that it seems unreal even to me and I'm living it. So I'll probably have to make it a book one day. Once I know the ending that is. ;)So that said, there's also a fair warning of what would seem like cliches, but I swear it is the truth.
Anyways, here's what happened:
Devin came home.
I was told four days before he flew in and you better believe that I didn't expect it. I never expected to see him again.
He didn't only come home though. He broke up with his fiance too.
...
That was all I could do. Well, that and blink. How on earth was I supposed to react?
I'll skip the twist and turns of the agonizing wait and the even more agonizing impatience once he was here and I knew he was there without seeing him yet.
But when I did...
My impatience was biting at my bones. The mere knowledge of his presence was beating my soul to a throbbing lump and I couldn't take it. So, at ten thirty at night, I gave in and texted him.
Of course there was the IDENTIFY YOURSELF session, followed by the "Oh, hello."
...
Me-"So why haven't I seen you yet?"
Him & etc.-"Idk"
"If you don't want to than just say so."
"Well. It's not that... I'm just not wanting a relationship right now."
I breathe out.
It's not what I had hoped for, but part of me expected it and I could accept it. I understood that he would need time. It would just take a little effort for me to be patient.
I was about to reply saying that I understood when he said, "If you want to see me I can go outside."
"I guess."
"That a yes or a no...and don't be upset."
I wasn't upset. Just at that moment I hadn't come to terms with it yet and I was just starting to realize that I was actually going to see him, even if it wasn't in the way I had been wanting, for the first time in three and a half years.
I said yes, crawled out of bed and grabbed my coat and shoes.
I went out and the air immediately chilled my toes, but the sky was clear. I waited in between the cars in the driveway for a few minutes, pacing slightly, looking at the stars with the intent to try and identify them, but how could I think right then? I wasn't very good at astronomy anyway.
There was noise across the street and I barely glanced before looking in the other direction. No cars, no other sound.
When I looked again he was walking down the sidewalk toward me in a white sweater with a busy pattern, jeans, tennis shoes and a hood over his head. I looked at the sidewalk, the fence, the sky again, anything but his face. I wasn't ready for that yet.
I step a little closer and stop as he's about seven feet away, then one of us says "Hey"
From this point my memory isn't as clear. I'll recall as much as I can that I think is important to share, but I could hardly comprehend what was happening so most "insignificant" things that were said went over my head immediately after responding to it.
We stood in silence for a minute and then he said, "I don't get a hug?"
"I didn't know you wanted one."
I wrap my arms around his waist and his go around my back, then I almost immediately pull away, putting my hands back in my coat pockets.
"You're not as big as I remember."
I don't know why. Maybe my memory was worse than I thought. Other than my forgetting certain things about his face, he didn't seem as broad or tall as I remembered.
At some point he explained how he'd expected to be jumped, which wasn't surprising because yes, I'll admit, I had done it before, but he wasn't expecting "Mellow-Katie." My response to this was to sit while I said, "Well, you made your intentions clear and I'm trying to respect that."
He sighed which has always made my heart skip and it did this time too. Then he went on to say more or less that it wasn't because he didn't want a relationship with me, it was that he didn't want to immediately move on to someone else after ending a long and serious relationship. And he partially doesn't know what he wants.
Of course. It makes all the sense in the world and I wouldn't want to ask him to do differently though if it were up to me...
Frankly, I"m beyond caring what anyone else thinks about our relationship anymore. They can all go to hell in my book. No one understood any of it three years ago and I don't expect any of them to understand it now. They don't matter.
But if this is what he wants to try and do, to keep at least that dignity, then I'm going to do everything I can to let him do that. It's going to be hard to curve my natural urges that haven't had anywhere to go all this time, but I'm going to try. I've waited three long years. I can handle a little longer.
We continued to talk about this and that and were out there for a few hours my toes and fingers getting colder by the minute, but I was going to deal. He was aware of how cold it was and was trying to convince me and I'm not sure which of these next two events occurred first, but I'll say this first: He was trying to convince me to go inside just about as much as I was trying to convince myself, but it wasn't working. Still, I tried and said okay, but I wanted another hug first.
This one lasted longer than the first. Neither of us pulled away after the first second and so I settled into it. I let out a held breath and I'm not sure whether it sounded like relief or a whimper.
"You okay?" He asked.
"Mmm." was all I could say. I just wanted to stay there and go to sleep.
Then he started to move his hands along my back slowly, just back and forth.
I couldn't go. Not after that. It wasn't that I was overwhelmed with emotion or sensations it was that there was nothing. Just that. Peace. I couldn't leave.
At some point we let go, but we still didn't walk away. There was more conversation, more teasing, more laughing smiling. I commented on my hands being cold and he held his out for me to put mine in between them. When they closed around mine I could hardly feel the warmth and there was silence.
"I forgot how much I liked holding your hands."
I stared at his hands, not able to look up.
"And you go silent."
I shrugged.
What could I have said to that? Even now I feel the slightest tease of tears in my eyes. I don't even know how to explain why.
There was a moment when I had turned around and was saying something while stretching my arms out to the sides and his hands followed. They went easily down their length and to my own hands, fingers effortlessly intertwining. It was so simple, just natural. There was no need to think or compensate. He felt like an extension of myself. A missing piece and now that it was back, it was like it'd never been gone.
...
I began writing this about week ago, but I must stop here.
I saw him again and it was much like the first time. All kisses and sweet whispers.
But I cannot go on.
The rug was pulled.
The punch line revealed.
The wolf in the sheep's clothing exposed.
At this time I'm still in too much agonizing pain to go into much, if any, detail. Devastated beyond any understanding.
Though when does evil ever make sense? It is designed to confuse, to mislead.
And I have been misled.
I'll get to the point.
The man that I loved for four and a half years, that was my soul mate, that I was made to believe loved me never existed.
It was a guise made by a man who needed to feel wanted by any means and saw a way to do so through me.
It may have been genuine in the beginning, though I think once it got to be too difficult I was no longer worth it, but at some point because I didn't give up, I was "kept around." The convenient in-between girl that would never let him down.
And I didn't. For more than three years.
Now that he's returned...there's no way for him to keep it up. He couldn't hide it from me anymore. Not when there was absolutely nothing standing in the way of us being together again. He couldn't lie in order to keep me waiting.
So that's the end.
I know it's not true, but I feel like I can't say anything I felt was real, but it was for me and that's the point. For me it was everything I'd ever felt or wanted to feel.
And he took advantage of that.
I more than likely won't be around for a long time. Don't worry. I have wonderful people taking care of me. I just need the time to mourn and then to heal.
I'll try as hard as I can to not loose my faith in one of the few things I've undoubtedly believed in, but we shall see.
Take care all.
