Interlude

Main Page and Playlist

<---Easy

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Every time

Lately anyway

I get a good idea going

lots of good descriptions

but my hands aren’t doing anything

then something

interrupts that thought process

and the depression settles in

like luke warm water rushing

over your entire body

and now

I’m heavy

I can’t hold my head up

I can’t smile

I know what it is

When it is happening

But I can’t do anything about it

Except try to ignore it

So I can sleep

Going to sleep is a problem

And once that’s done

I can’t wake up.

It’s my most recent pattern

It’s actually really annoying

And if I don’t have some sort of task

At the very start of my day

Then I can’t

Seem to control

Myself

Or what I’m thinking.

I don’t know what day it is.

It’s…Tues—no it’s Wednesday.

The…fourth.

That was annoyingly difficult.

I feel my forehead scrunching into my eyes

And it make them hurt

Along with my head.

So now

I’m writing this

Complaining really

Instead of doing what I wanted

And it’s something

I guess.

A few minutes ago

I was sitting on my closet floor.

I cleaned it the other day

So now there’s more room

And it’s not towering walls of stuff

Exploding over my feet

I can sit

And feel safe

Yet

I still feel so off

It’s like the levels

Of my being in there

I can cover myself

In my clothes

In my shoes

Jackets

And blankets

But it doesn’t make anything better

It only distracts

For a little while

But it always comes back

Feeling inadequate.

So many reasons

To not feel good enough

Though I know

That those reasons

Were not deserved

I didn’t do anything wrong

I did everything I could

I loved with all I had

But I guess

It’s not enough.

God my head hurts now

Like it’s getting squeezed

At the back of my neck.

The pressure is trying to release from my ears

But something is clogging it.

I just want it to stop

Really

I do.

I want to stop thinking of him

I’m done

I need to feel sure

That I am good enough

For someone else

That there’s a chance.

A glimmer that

Someone else

Could want me

Even a little

In the way that I need.

I want them to let me

Love them

Because I can

Maybe it’s too much

But I want to give it

All

So much.

I’m going to try and go to sleep

After one more

Pointless skim

Of the social networks.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hold On...--->

Easy

 Main Page and Playlist

  <---Pause

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Okay

Okay

Where was i?

Oh

Yeah

You got the low-down

On

Me.

I know

I know

Super negative

But I think

You’ll understand

Soon.

So

I loved him back

But

At the time

My use of the

Word

Love—

Well

It wasn’t that I

didn’t mean it

it was just

such a small

level of love

almost a pathetic

excuse

to begin

what it

lead to.

Still

They all have

to start

somewhere

even somewhere

small.

This confession

More or less

Took place in

September

And the relationship

Stayed basically

The same

Until

November

I did something

Unintentionally

That really

Well—

I was going to say

Changed everything

Which

Thinking about it

It didn’t/

It gave us that

Push

A little shove

Taking us to the

Next level.

I know that sounds

Dumb

And clichéd

But I can’t

Think of another way

To say it.

I probably will later

When it’s too late

But it doesn’t matter

As long as

You know what I mean.

Sorry

I’m sure you’re still

wondering what I did.

Don’t worry

It’s not Degrassiesque

By any means

And I mean any.

God, it’s hard

To think about this

Right now

Pardon my hesitation.

It’s just a place

I don’t want to go

For danger of me

Getting stuck there.

It wasn’t scary at the time

It was easy

Too easy

Especially since I hadn’t

Meant to go there.

But I did.

Do I regret it?

No.

And yes.

But only because of the end

Just because

It became that much harder

To think about it

Afterwards.

The delicate

Perfect

Sweetness

Of the memory

Has become tainted

As of late

But I can still

Get lost.

So I need to be careful.

Ug.

I’m dragging this out

And avoiding

The inevitable.

I said I would talk

So

I have to.

Alright.

I was scolding myself

For a moment.

I’m back now.

November 6^th.

I had a doctor’s appointment

An hour and a half away.

I wasn’t sick.

I have type 1 diabetes

So I have appointments with a specialist

Every once in a while.

Point being.

I was at school for a short while

But had to leave for the rest of the day.

And wouldn’t be home

Until late.

I didn’t expect to see him beyond

First thing in the morning.

So as the bell rang

To go to class

I decided

With such a surety

And no fear

That I recall

That I was going to

Kiss his cheek.

I don’t know

Why I wanted to

There wasn’t any rational

Thought

The only forethought

Occurring seconds before.

He was talking to someone

Behind him

So he mostly had his back

To me

I got up on my toes—

Oh

Did I mention

That I was only

Five five

And he

Was six two?

Yeah.

I had to stretch.

I’d closed my eyes too

Because that’s only natural

And it’s what you do

Right?

But he must have

Seen me get close

Or something

Because he

Moved

And I

Kissed his mouth instead.

It was so fast

You can bet I was out of there

As fast as I could go

Without running

I don’t think I even said

Goodbye

But in that

Second and a half

I felt him kiss me back

And a small

Pit

In my chest

Moved

A spark had been put

Under it

It was awake

And it wanted more

That small

Bit of time

Terrified

And thrilled me

Then made it hard to breathe.

I ran away

Not because

I was ashamed

I just wasn’t sure what

To do

Since I hadn’t meant

To do what I did.

What do you say to someone

After that?

“Kay thanks. See ya later.”?

Uh.

No.

But I got over that

And like I’d said

Wanted to do it again.

I planned to find him again

Just before I left.

I don’t remember if I did.

Pause

Main Page and Playlist

 <---Strawberry Swing

 --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Pause.

I think we need to paint

A little picture

Of who I was then

Which wasn’t much of anyone

Really

Trust me.

I know some good friend

Will defend me and tell me how

Wonderful

Colorful I was

Maybe I was

Sometimes

But really

I was silent

A follower

And I had no problems with that

I was hiding from the world anyway

Behind my

Black sweater

Long

Thick

And Pervasive

Hair.

Jeans

And sneakers

That’s how I looked

Every day

No one probably knew the color of my eyes

Light

Pure

Blue

Because I never

And I mean

Never

Looked at anyone.

I saw you

I knew who you were

But eye contact?

You couldn’t have paid me.

I never spoke up in class either

So I can easily say

That people knew

Who I was

But probably couldn’t tell you

My name

Or anything about me

 Because they didn’t know.

Nor did they care to

I could have cared less myself

Though

I never thought of it that way

They just weren’t important

Compared to my friends

And to him

They were the only ones that needed

To know a thing

So my makeup

Hair

And clothes

Didn’t matter.

Probably the

Best part

was

My naivety.

It was really

Bad.

 If it wasn’t otherwise

Obvious

I believed every word

Every single one

That you said.

I should have known

I didn’t

know any better.

I should have

I couldn’t have.

I wouldn’t have

Wanted to

Either.

I should have

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Easy--->

Strawberry Swing

 Main Page and Playlist

<----Prologue

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So

Um

How do I say this?

There really isn’t a way to

That doesn’t sound

Well

Retarded

But

I—

I met my soul mate

when I was fifteen

Granted,

I didn’t know it at the time

No

Not at all

He was my friend

Well not immediately.

At first he was just a guy

Chin-length hair

Goatee.

He

played guitar

Don’t they all?

He had a kind smile

That was all teeth

And made you feel like

You’d done something right

His eyes were a brown

Like his hair

That was mostly flat

But had this light

Like he knew something you didn’t

That always amused him

But he never would share.

Anyways

That first day

He gave me a guitar pick

After serenading my friend

And pardon me

I lied

This first time I met him

I was actually fourteen

So I think it’s understandable

That that gesture

Of his twenty-five cent

Piece of plastic

Became very precious

And I kept it

In a special box

Of keep sakes.

I lost it

A year later

Once I started carrying it around

in my jeans pocket

but I’ll get to that.

Stupid thing

Has gotten me off track—

I didn’t see him again

Until he was a classmate

Which was odd

Considering he was two grades

Older.

 I could

Spend pages

And pages

About all the little things

The many

Little things

And then the big

And very insistent things

That made my fifteen year-old

Very inexperienced self

Realize

That I was being flirted with

Wanted

And

You know

I really liked it

It’s wasn’t that

No one

Had made any moves before

They had

But I was just so uninterested

That it didn’t matter

But this

This mattered

Because I wanted him too

Even though I couldn’t

Have put it that way

In those words

No

I liked his company

 His kindness and attention

Toward s me

How he desperately

Tried to make me laugh

Succeeding 99.9% of the time

Just like how I wanted

To make him smile

to see him happy

and give him everything

I could offer

Which wasn’t much

Considering

I was

Fifteen,

At the time

Remember?

Fifteen

And very ignorant.

So that is why

When he said

“I love you”

While squeezing me

As hard as he could

For the zillionth time

I had no problem finally saying

“I love you too.” 

 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Pause--->

Three Cheers for Organization!

Check out my page for my new project! I'm super excited because the more I work on and think about it the more right it feels. :) 

Those Days and Thereafter

Prologue

So, here's the plan: I'm starting a new sequence. 

Yes, I said sequence, not story because even though it is a story, it's not fictional like everything else I've done so far. Nor will it be in my usual format. It's going to be stream-of-consciousness, free style poetry. I'll be compiling a series of poems into one book. And I really plan on finishing this. I think I can too. Yes, I feel like I need to finish this before I do anything else. I won't spoil much more because I think you'll understand from the prologue. :) 

Main Page and Playlist

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Writing

Requires heart

And in most cases

In order to have heart

That a reader can feel

pouring out of the words

there must be experience

an extensive knowledge

of what they are trying to share

sure

most people

even those that are not writers have heard this

but do they know

that what is worth putting into words

is the easiest to write

and the hardest to share?

Writers

Know

That your pain

Is your most beautiful weapon

And learning to wield it

May be one of the most important things you do

For yourself.

Writing it

Screaming on paper

To whatever

Whoever

Has kept you

From sleep

Is not what you need to do

Because you’ve done that

And trust me

It does not belong in a folder labeled “X”

Within a folder labeled “Me”

Then categorized between Reality and Fantasy

It belongs on the front page of your blog

In an email to every person you know

Sent out to publishers and newspapers

It deserves music

Billboards

To be quoted by strangers

Because they are the words

That they needed

To express their own pain

That is just like yours.

Friend,

Don’t fret

About mistakes

 inappropriate tendencies

Or Those eyes

Finding your words.

Let instinct

Speak for you

Be harsh

And irrational

But most importantly

Be honest

If my preaching

Has made you wonder

I am talking to myself

More than you

But surely

You knew that

So now I’ll begin

Heading my own advice

And yes

My hands are shaking

But I’ll thank myself

In the end.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

Strawberry Swing--->